Cat's out of the bag :-/

I couldn't do it anymore- him shoving the details of his new love affair in my face with a huge topping of psychological torture, telling me that our friendship either included full disclosure or there could be no friendship at all, oh yeah, and that without the friendship he would move back home (450 miles away,) leaving me with our two small children and zero support system.

I wrote it this morning, tweaked it all day and finally sent it- an email to his mistress. She is actually a nice person, definitely a lot more uninhibited that I am but a really decent person. She is working hard to get out of her own abusive marriage and when I told her all the extremely intimate details of their weekend, texts, and talks I'd been subjected to I got back a short, but effective reply. "I am sorry. I am extremely angry right now. Things are going to change."

That is all I am asking for, change. He has been working hard to break me down, reminding me that I'm not as beautiful as she is, even citing as a positive for her that she doesn't have any 'rape-trauma' reactions (like I intentionally shutter when I'm touched.) He's shown me intimate pictures of her, compared our sexual performances of individual acts, etc... I know if I am humiliated, she we'll surely be humiliated too.

A small part of me wants her to drop out of the picture all together, actually I think that might be a big part of me but the reason I waited so long to to send it is that I wanted to make sure that my motives were not revenge, and I realized that though my intentions were not completely pure I did not want to end up as his emotional mistress... this time having the relationship with her but dumping all his problems, cruelty, and garbage on me. I also wanted to clear my name, he has told me many of the things she's told him throughout the years, every time things got crazy he painted a picture... but the truth is we were mutually abusive, yes, I have put my hands on him and no, there was never a time that I thought it was the right thing to do but I've been choked, slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down, and knocked out.... he is not the man he pretends to be.

I don't know how this will turn out, she read and responded about four hours ago and thus far I have no indication that my ex knows I contacted her. I begged her not to tell him and though I excluded even an implied threat, though I'm sure that the situation itself stands alone. She is fighting for sole custody of her 10 week old son, citing abuse- if the affair were to surface before August her husband would use it to ruin her life, and though I swore that it was not my intention to involve anyone else I'm sure it's on her mind, especially after all the facts I provided.