Cat's out of the bag :-/

I couldn't do it anymore- him shoving the details of his new love affair in my face with a huge topping of psychological torture, telling me that our friendship either included full disclosure or there could be no friendship at all, oh yeah, and that without the friendship he would move back home (450 miles away,) leaving me with our two small children and zero support system.

I wrote it this morning, tweaked it all day and finally sent it- an email to his mistress. She is actually a nice person, definitely a lot more uninhibited that I am but a really decent person. She is working hard to get out of her own abusive marriage and when I told her all the extremely intimate details of their weekend, texts, and talks I'd been subjected to I got back a short, but effective reply. "I am sorry. I am extremely angry right now. Things are going to change."

That is all I am asking for, change. He has been working hard to break me down, reminding me that I'm not as beautiful as she is, even citing as a positive for her that she doesn't have any 'rape-trauma' reactions (like I intentionally shutter when I'm touched.) He's shown me intimate pictures of her, compared our sexual performances of individual acts, etc... I know if I am humiliated, she we'll surely be humiliated too.

A small part of me wants her to drop out of the picture all together, actually I think that might be a big part of me but the reason I waited so long to to send it is that I wanted to make sure that my motives were not revenge, and I realized that though my intentions were not completely pure I did not want to end up as his emotional mistress... this time having the relationship with her but dumping all his problems, cruelty, and garbage on me. I also wanted to clear my name, he has told me many of the things she's told him throughout the years, every time things got crazy he painted a picture... but the truth is we were mutually abusive, yes, I have put my hands on him and no, there was never a time that I thought it was the right thing to do but I've been choked, slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down, and knocked out.... he is not the man he pretends to be.

I don't know how this will turn out, she read and responded about four hours ago and thus far I have no indication that my ex knows I contacted her. I begged her not to tell him and though I excluded even an implied threat, though I'm sure that the situation itself stands alone. She is fighting for sole custody of her 10 week old son, citing abuse- if the affair were to surface before August her husband would use it to ruin her life, and though I swore that it was not my intention to involve anyone else I'm sure it's on her mind, especially after all the facts I provided.

Feb 15th, half off candy....

At this point it’s becoming comical. I went on this semi-awkward first date with "Mr Right-Now" two weeks ago, then he left for vacation and we talked every day. To say that I was into him would be an overstatement; he was drop dead gorgeous but something was missing, I can’t describe it other than he didn’t make my “heart smile.” It’s a sensation that is difficult to explain and I honestly don’t know if the feeling is universal but it is a warm full sensation in your chest that feels like your body is glowing from the inside. When I looked at, talked to, or thought about "Mr Right-Now", it just wasn’t there.  *Sigh*

It did sting a little when a mutual friend told me he got back with his ex, but I can’t blame him for anything more than his lack of honesty. Even when I tried to clear the air he continued to pretend that he was none the wiser about why…. Silly boys.

There is a guy out there, one that I care about deeply but also who I’m not sure is capable of a commitment that could last longer than a weekend, a man that makes my heart smile for the first time in ages.   At this age we are all jaded, we’ve all been hurt, and we all have baggage… I feel like his might fit with mine. The problem is I’m so unwilling to lose what I have in my friend that I’ll never have the bravery to tell him how I feel, even though a part of me feels like it might be reciprocated. What a way to live…

Sensitive Information

I understand why he did it, but the fact is, he lied to me. My ex-husband who claims to be my best friend lied to me about his plans for the weekend- like I would honestly believe that he was going camping, alone, with no electronics. When I pushed the issue and asked him where he was meeting HER I uncover the most ridiculous plan...

He works from 4am-noon, he will leave on Friday and drive 12 hours to meet her for one night at cheap hotel then drive the 12 hours back so he can be at work on Monday.... oh wait.... it gets better- He never took care of his insurance issue so he will be driving an unregistered car...oh wait there is more.... He isn't telling his family (obviously,) but he has asked them for money to help him move into a cheaper apartment.

On the other side of the dysfunction, She is currently separated (no, not divorced) and has lied to her parents so that they will watch her three month old son overnight.... Might I add that she lives with them, a real winner :-P

Though I have obviously felt the pang of this "In my face," confirmation of their affair. I'm actually okay. I feel a little jealous, but only in the way that there were no grand gestures for me. He could not be the man that I needed, but I see him struggling to be that man for her. I realize that I'm not in love with him, I just wish I didn't second guess everything that happened over the five years we were married. He was talking to her while I was pregnant with his child... was I just a stand in for the life he wanted? Does it matter if I was?

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that whether he meant to or not he walked into a marriage as a ploy to get her back in his life and unfortunately the kids and I were collateral damage.

Ready for Change

My brain is screaming “Shut up already!” and yet the name pops up with a message and I bear my soul time and again, desperately  trying to be the person I think he wants me to be. Tonight, I am serious about change, dedicated to my own recovery, giving the person that’s actually good for me a real chance and walking away from old and comfortable.  

If you happen upon my blog; read, criticize, comment, judge, and challenge me… I have kept everything inside for so long that I literally couldn’t stand it anymore, this is me, these are my scars, this is my story of what WILL be my recovery.