If Only

I will mention first that I realize I shouldn't be dating. I am four months out from a suicide attempt, and less than a month out from my divorce... but let me start at the beginning....

"She and I are pursuing a relationship," he told me; She, being his first love the one that got away. They'd kept in touch throughout our marriage and I cannot describe the pain and betrayal I felt as these words cut through me just weeks after our marriage was finally dissolved.

I spent a day crying, pleading, drinking, and hurting and then.... I got back up. I've realized that I have the strength to do that now. Somewhere in this puddle of me there is a backbone; I can stand up for myself, I can brush off shame, and I can seek support.

I started slow but along comes this really great guy, no obvious flaws aside from a heart that's a little broken like mine, not Mr. Right, but certainly Mr. Right-Now someone to put a band-aid on a heart that isn't quite ready to heal. I've been warned against it but it's the next logical step- after I was raped, I avoided sex, now it terrifies me. Instead I'm jumping in, doing something differently and expecting a different result. I am moving forward with the faith that there is strength inside of me that I myself have not seen before.

Walking, just walking the beautiful cobble streets scarcely lit by streetlight with a warm cookie in one hand and easy conversation floating in the air between us. If only this heart wasn't mangled; it might love you. I might fall into the warmth of your eyes and your smile; the soul dancing to the song of your voice.  If only. I would love so badly to break away from my past and love blindly and effortlessly like I once did.
Instead I’ll be grateful, grateful for the strength to move forward and attack my future instead of just being suffocated by it. To be an active participant in my recovery and to take the very thing that at one time would have broken me and instead approach it as a challenge, something to overcome and rise above.

** For those that believe in Karma, the mother of my ex-husband chastised him for even thinking of abandoning his children and I. Though his desire to be with 'her' may outweigh the shame he feels it is still a weight for him to bear, like the weight of all the broken promises and tattered dreams that I'll carry forth.