Lonely & Manic

Insomnia, it’s literally destroying me. I don’t feel well, look well, and certainly it has had a drastic impact on my mental health. I feel crazy, manic, anxious, overwhelmed… I find myself watching infomercials and actually reaching for my credit card. (Ahhh!) Night after night the hours pass and once again the rest of the world sleeps. 

Time to get my brain off the problem

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I started talking to a guy, Adam. I really wanted it to become a “thing,” not a relationship, more a flirtationship. I wanted to get another person that I could text with who would kind of boost my self-esteem a little. I’m feeling pretty bad about myself these days. I have dyed my hair, painted my nails, I’m dieting; I keep telling myself I’m making positive changes but at the end of the day I am just trying to be okay with myself. Well Adam and I had this great up all night talk about our ‘lost connection’ years ago and then nothing…. Weeks have passed, no texts, no calls…nada. I either need to get over myself and pursue it at the risk of looking crazy or let it go, it’s really been bothering me. 

I did lose a friendship recently; I actually mourned the loss by telling others an ‘old friend’ had died. He is actually alive and well, except to me. He had been my husband’s best friend, a sexy little peurto rican who was forever trying to talk his way into my pants. When the marriage fell apart he saw and opportunity to lay on the charm… his wife however did not appreciate finding the emails containing pictures of his “member.”  In the end he threw me under the bus, I shouldered all the blame and in an effort to save face I told him we should cut ties. I’ve known him for nearly a decade, cried on his shoulder. He rubbed my back when I was pregnant; the ongoing joke was that he was my “second husband,” but I guess when I lost my first, I lost them both. 

I know that this is just a lot of random stuff, but like I explained, I feel manic. My  ex-husband (The divorce was final last week), who remains one of my best friends could keep me grounded, but now I try so hard to come off even tempered for him that I feel like nobody sees what I am truly going through. I talk about hope, I talk about being ready to move on but the truth is I’m just lonely…

                                                             ….Just so unbelievably and unequivocally lost and lonely